Breaking Up with Your Choir

We all have our ups and downs, but maybe it really is time to walk away from your choir. Deciding to leave can be a tough decision, but following these simple guidelines, while respecting all parties involved, will help you to avoid a messy break up.

Examine Your Reasons for Joining

Maybe you joined several years ago because your best friend did, but that friend has long since moved on from the group. Maybe you joined for the artistic challenge—you minored in music in college and wanted a way to keep growing as a musician. Or maybe you did it as a favor for your friend, the conductor, who was looking for more altos. Whatever your reasons for joining, ask yourself whether they're still strong enough to sustain your participation in the ensemble.

Imagine Life Without Your Choir

Take a moment and simply imagine what life will be like without singing in your chorus. Is your gut reaction a happy feeling or a sad feeling? Do you find yourself missing certain people in the chorus and spending time with them each week? Or do you find yourself focusing on the other activities you'll finally be able to do now that this choir is out of the way?

Make a Pro/Con List and Write Down Your Priorities

Sit down with a blank sheet of paper and make an honest pros and cons list about your chorus. Membership in any group can foster an emotional attachment, so articulating your feelings will help you to better organize and qualify them.

Look over your pros and cons list and assign weight to each point. For example, if one of your cons is that the repertoire this season isn't your favorite, then that may be a point to assign a low importance to because the repertoire next season might be better. But if one of your cons is that the overall artistic trajectory of the group is moving contrary to where you want it to be, that may be a point to assign high importance to because the trajectory is unlikely to change much.

In addition to making a pros and cons list, take stock of your priorities as they stand now (they may have changed a lot since you joined the chorus), so you can better gauge how important choir is to you in relation to other activities and commitments.

Deciding to Stay

You've considered the good and the bad and decided that, yes, you'll continue singing in the group. Your chorus life need not remain unpleasant though. Consider speaking with your section leader or even the director about your concerns with the chorus—politely of course. Maybe your situation could be improved by simply sitting beside other singers. Or if you are the leader of a committee, pass the role on to someone else. Or if your qualm with the group is a lack of artistic commitment from other singers, voice that feeling to the leaders.

Deciding to Leave

But say you decide that it is, in fact, time to leave your chorus. Assuming there are no hard feelings, you should let your director know of your decision outside of rehearsal time. Diplomatically explain your reasons for leaving (remember, there is no reason to burn bridges unnecessarily). Cliché but true, the it's-not-you-it's-me tactic is always a good approach if you don't know exactly what to say. Depending on the group, this conversation may require a sit-down meeting, or it could be as simple as sending an email. Be prepared, though, for persuasion, discussion, or compromise; the director may try to get you to stay.

Tell the other singers in your group only after you've spoken with the director; it would be a shame for gossip to precede your discussion with its leader.

But if you do decide to leave your chorus, that doesn't mean you have to stop singing altogether. There may be another chorus in town that better fits with your schedule and musical skill level.

What to Do if You Still Don't Know

Consider taking some time off from the group—either sitting out one concert cycle, or even a whole season. Speak with the director and tell her that you just need some time to think about whether singing in the chorus is right for you. The last thing you want to do is hastily make the decision to leave the choir, regret it, go back, and then start feeling the same way again. (You don't want to be popping in and out of choir membership constantly!) Having some distance may give you a clearer perspective on the direction you should take.

In the end, the decision to stay or go is yours and yours alone, but if you do leave, you should respectfully communicate that decision to the leaders of your group in a timely manner.